By Jen Sanchez
If you're unaware of what the series The Cut is doing on marriage, you're missing out! Marriage is a thought that has either haunted or excited us at a very early age. Most of us had parents who were married (later divorced perhaps?), attended weddings and even played 'house' as children. Some little girls even started to dream about their weddings, which of course is not the actual marriage. The older we got, the more the thought would to arise. As teenagers, we start dating and our friends start to tease us with questions like, "Would you marry him/her?" as if we were in any position to even think about a union of that nature and later, we brought home our first high school girlfriend/boyfriend and our parents started talking to us about sex and how doing it without protection can lead to many unwanted things like children which then leads to marriage. Unfortunately, there are some of us who never got that talk from our parents but rather witnessed it amongst our peers. Then we became young adults who entered the dating scene where most of us ventured our own paths. Marriage was something that has been a part of our lives whether we're for it or not and The Cut's newest series investigates this.
The new series starts off with a first part written by Heather Havrilesky (the rest of the series has yet to be posted) who asks the question, "Is marriage obsolete?" and although I understood the points she was making and relate to many things she brought up about her own marriage, she did not answer this question and her findings I found, were irrelevant in today's world. The great thing about this article is that it's written by a married woman's point of view rather than a single woman who has never been married (like me) investigating a topic that she, herself, has never been a part of. Havrilesky is speaking from experience and making herself very vulnerable which I respect and applaud, however, like mentioned earlier, I do have some issues with her article.
Before I summarize what she wrote, I'd like to state that I started reading this series out of pure curiosity. As I said, marriage is something that has been on many of our minds since we were children and as a single woman who has not decided whether or not marriage is something for her, I was curious to read this. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and neither of us have really decided whether marriage is for us which made this particular article, seem that much more interesting and relevant.
Havrilesky writes about how marriage was exciting in the beginning then became somewhat of a test; both partners grew and evolved and the things that were charming about the other became annoying over time, testing both whether they can really stay together through all the horrible things they've seen, smelt and dealt with every single day. She even mentions how marriages have changed since the 1960's, when couples were simply communicating about one another's needs emotionally and sexually. This was when divorce rates started to climb. There were three options that arose for married couples: divorce, have a great equal marriage or feel stuck. These three options are the options married people, both men and women, still have today, something that before 1960's, weren't even options. Hard to believe, I know, but life really was different back then.
She talks a lot about her husband and their marriage and how unhappy both really feel, even though they mask it very well and absolutely share wonderful moments but overall, they both seem pretty dull about their lives. Like perhaps they both have found themselves in the "I'm stuck" category. Which doesn't answer the question whether marriage is obsolete or not. By the end, I felt like she was telling me, "Marriage sucks but nobody wants to die alone." Whoa.
Here's where my questions and issues started to arise. The article goes on to mention how companionship, tax reductions and shared household costs is why she (and probably most people) stay married in a world where divorce is not only easily attainable but not surprising either. Could this be the answer to the question? Marriage is not obsolete because people will rather a.) not die alone (hence the "companionship") and b.) receive privileges for simply being married (which translates to dependents). Ok, I can see that. If that is her answer. She goes on to mention (earlier in the article) how married women live longer than single women. In conjunction, married men die sooner and single men live longer. Her findings came from a 2017 consensus. So are we to add that to pile of reasons why marriage is not obsolete? Women live longer when they're married? Is that even still relevant?
If she took this evidence from a 2017 consensus then that means the men and women of which provided that information, are already dead which makes them, what? Two, possibly three generations before us? We just went over how life was very different for people before the 1960's, these men and women were living in a different world. Today, both men and women have the luxury to view marriage as an option due to careers being open for both sexes. Women can now be bread winners, men can share the load of the responsibility of providing which means, marriage is no longer something you do to survive. We can now actually marry for love. So are Havrilesky's findings still true for say, her generation? My generation? The generation after us? And after them?
Even she or anyone who agrees with her wants to counter me by saying, "shared household costs, tax reduction and companionship are still the reason why marriage is not obsolete." What about marriages that aren't marriages; domestic partnership. Two people can decide to spend the rest of their lives together and share household costs with one another and once the relationship reaches a certain point in time, the couple can qualify for tax reductions, how much and when differs from state to state (within the USA). This is an option all of us have today that wasn't an option 30 years ago. What then? Is marriage still something people will do in the future?
Obviously, marriage is not obsolete right now- this second. My friends and cousins are getting hitched left and right, however, they're marrying later in life. My mom is currently married to her second husband who definitely makes her smile more genuinely than my father did. My mom married my dad when she turned 30 but met him when she was 25. So even though, they weren't married then, they definitely were together for a long time. They divorced when I turned 14. She wanted out but he wanted her to stay and bargained with her that they can divorce when I reach my teens. She took the bargain and put her interest in her current love on hold. Yes, my mom had an affair which is why she wanted out but unfortunately, my dad still had more power in the marriage overall; he paid for everything and provided everything. Ultimately, they both didn't want to miss out on raising me full time rather than 50% of the time. I love both my parents and I love Greg, my mom's current husband. But even then, marriage was different and my mom didn't have a career. When I asked her what went wrong, she told me, it was wrong from the beginning because she married my dad too early. Remember, she married him at 30. Too early? Yes. Too early.
She went on to tell me that (at least for women) when we're in our 20's we're searching for our passion that would direct us to what we want to do when for a good chunk of our lives. In our 30's we find that and begin to start a life pursuing it, therefore, realizing who we are as individuals apart from the people in our lives. We're different people in our 30's and if she were to wait to say 'yes' to my dad, she wouldn't have married him at all. When I asked my dad about the subject of marriage, he didn't want to talk about it. He did remarry, though and he seems happy. The crazy thing about my parent's story is that it's the story that a lot of our parent's have. Maybe certain details are different along with timelines and perhaps even roles but could that be why people are marrying later in life? And if they're marrying later in life, will that make marriage obsolete in the near future?
Her article doesn't even mention same- sex marriages. Lesbians and gay men barely received the right to even explore marriage, meaning it's very new for that community but a marriage is a marriage and if we are to explore the question whether or not marriage is currently or will be obsolete in the future, we must include all marriages to this equation and yet, she didn't mention anything about it but rather spoke about her annoying but good man of a husband, of which, I'm starting to wonder why so much talk about him rather than the topic at hand?
Overall, Havrilesky's article did make me answer the question by thinking more thoroughly than I have ever thought about marriage before. Marriage is not currently obsolete but will it be later in the future? What do you think?
To read Heather Havrilesky's article, click here.
Jen Sanchez
SkyWire
skywire@skysoftentertainment.com
If you're unaware of what the series The Cut is doing on marriage, you're missing out! Marriage is a thought that has either haunted or excited us at a very early age. Most of us had parents who were married (later divorced perhaps?), attended weddings and even played 'house' as children. Some little girls even started to dream about their weddings, which of course is not the actual marriage. The older we got, the more the thought would to arise. As teenagers, we start dating and our friends start to tease us with questions like, "Would you marry him/her?" as if we were in any position to even think about a union of that nature and later, we brought home our first high school girlfriend/boyfriend and our parents started talking to us about sex and how doing it without protection can lead to many unwanted things like children which then leads to marriage. Unfortunately, there are some of us who never got that talk from our parents but rather witnessed it amongst our peers. Then we became young adults who entered the dating scene where most of us ventured our own paths. Marriage was something that has been a part of our lives whether we're for it or not and The Cut's newest series investigates this.
The new series starts off with a first part written by Heather Havrilesky (the rest of the series has yet to be posted) who asks the question, "Is marriage obsolete?" and although I understood the points she was making and relate to many things she brought up about her own marriage, she did not answer this question and her findings I found, were irrelevant in today's world. The great thing about this article is that it's written by a married woman's point of view rather than a single woman who has never been married (like me) investigating a topic that she, herself, has never been a part of. Havrilesky is speaking from experience and making herself very vulnerable which I respect and applaud, however, like mentioned earlier, I do have some issues with her article.
Before I summarize what she wrote, I'd like to state that I started reading this series out of pure curiosity. As I said, marriage is something that has been on many of our minds since we were children and as a single woman who has not decided whether or not marriage is something for her, I was curious to read this. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and neither of us have really decided whether marriage is for us which made this particular article, seem that much more interesting and relevant.
Havrilesky writes about how marriage was exciting in the beginning then became somewhat of a test; both partners grew and evolved and the things that were charming about the other became annoying over time, testing both whether they can really stay together through all the horrible things they've seen, smelt and dealt with every single day. She even mentions how marriages have changed since the 1960's, when couples were simply communicating about one another's needs emotionally and sexually. This was when divorce rates started to climb. There were three options that arose for married couples: divorce, have a great equal marriage or feel stuck. These three options are the options married people, both men and women, still have today, something that before 1960's, weren't even options. Hard to believe, I know, but life really was different back then.
She talks a lot about her husband and their marriage and how unhappy both really feel, even though they mask it very well and absolutely share wonderful moments but overall, they both seem pretty dull about their lives. Like perhaps they both have found themselves in the "I'm stuck" category. Which doesn't answer the question whether marriage is obsolete or not. By the end, I felt like she was telling me, "Marriage sucks but nobody wants to die alone." Whoa.
Here's where my questions and issues started to arise. The article goes on to mention how companionship, tax reductions and shared household costs is why she (and probably most people) stay married in a world where divorce is not only easily attainable but not surprising either. Could this be the answer to the question? Marriage is not obsolete because people will rather a.) not die alone (hence the "companionship") and b.) receive privileges for simply being married (which translates to dependents). Ok, I can see that. If that is her answer. She goes on to mention (earlier in the article) how married women live longer than single women. In conjunction, married men die sooner and single men live longer. Her findings came from a 2017 consensus. So are we to add that to pile of reasons why marriage is not obsolete? Women live longer when they're married? Is that even still relevant?
If she took this evidence from a 2017 consensus then that means the men and women of which provided that information, are already dead which makes them, what? Two, possibly three generations before us? We just went over how life was very different for people before the 1960's, these men and women were living in a different world. Today, both men and women have the luxury to view marriage as an option due to careers being open for both sexes. Women can now be bread winners, men can share the load of the responsibility of providing which means, marriage is no longer something you do to survive. We can now actually marry for love. So are Havrilesky's findings still true for say, her generation? My generation? The generation after us? And after them?
Even she or anyone who agrees with her wants to counter me by saying, "shared household costs, tax reduction and companionship are still the reason why marriage is not obsolete." What about marriages that aren't marriages; domestic partnership. Two people can decide to spend the rest of their lives together and share household costs with one another and once the relationship reaches a certain point in time, the couple can qualify for tax reductions, how much and when differs from state to state (within the USA). This is an option all of us have today that wasn't an option 30 years ago. What then? Is marriage still something people will do in the future?
Obviously, marriage is not obsolete right now- this second. My friends and cousins are getting hitched left and right, however, they're marrying later in life. My mom is currently married to her second husband who definitely makes her smile more genuinely than my father did. My mom married my dad when she turned 30 but met him when she was 25. So even though, they weren't married then, they definitely were together for a long time. They divorced when I turned 14. She wanted out but he wanted her to stay and bargained with her that they can divorce when I reach my teens. She took the bargain and put her interest in her current love on hold. Yes, my mom had an affair which is why she wanted out but unfortunately, my dad still had more power in the marriage overall; he paid for everything and provided everything. Ultimately, they both didn't want to miss out on raising me full time rather than 50% of the time. I love both my parents and I love Greg, my mom's current husband. But even then, marriage was different and my mom didn't have a career. When I asked her what went wrong, she told me, it was wrong from the beginning because she married my dad too early. Remember, she married him at 30. Too early? Yes. Too early.
She went on to tell me that (at least for women) when we're in our 20's we're searching for our passion that would direct us to what we want to do when for a good chunk of our lives. In our 30's we find that and begin to start a life pursuing it, therefore, realizing who we are as individuals apart from the people in our lives. We're different people in our 30's and if she were to wait to say 'yes' to my dad, she wouldn't have married him at all. When I asked my dad about the subject of marriage, he didn't want to talk about it. He did remarry, though and he seems happy. The crazy thing about my parent's story is that it's the story that a lot of our parent's have. Maybe certain details are different along with timelines and perhaps even roles but could that be why people are marrying later in life? And if they're marrying later in life, will that make marriage obsolete in the near future?
Her article doesn't even mention same- sex marriages. Lesbians and gay men barely received the right to even explore marriage, meaning it's very new for that community but a marriage is a marriage and if we are to explore the question whether or not marriage is currently or will be obsolete in the future, we must include all marriages to this equation and yet, she didn't mention anything about it but rather spoke about her annoying but good man of a husband, of which, I'm starting to wonder why so much talk about him rather than the topic at hand?
Overall, Havrilesky's article did make me answer the question by thinking more thoroughly than I have ever thought about marriage before. Marriage is not currently obsolete but will it be later in the future? What do you think?
To read Heather Havrilesky's article, click here.
Jen Sanchez
SkyWire
skywire@skysoftentertainment.com
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