Photo by Maksim Chernishev on Unsplash
by Daniel Andrade
Another Pride Month has come and gone, and it was full of wonderful celebrations of progress, love, and community. But for me, Pride hits a little differently. While many proudly enjoyed movies celebrating queer icons or watched movies about notable moments in the advancement of civil rights, I spent another year wondering whether or not I was a valid or legitimate member of the LGTBQIA+ community. Why would I feel such a thing? Because I am asexual (often shortened as “ace”), someone that experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone. Contrary to popular belief, the “A” in LGBTQIA+ does not stand for “ally,” but actually for “asexual, aromantic, and agender,” so technically, I should have no qualms in proudly and confidently accepting my place within the “Alphabet Mafia.” However, with only about 1-4% of the global population identifying as asexual, there has long been a struggle to see any representation of asexuality, thus leading to a sense of disassociation from not just the queer community but society at large as well, to the point where asexuality is often labeled the “invisible orientation.” However, that is thankfully changing, slowly but surely, with a handful of ace characters appearing in popular contemporary shows. With SkySoft’s upcoming American Malice recently revealing that their lead character will be an asexual woman, marking a significant step forward in ace representation, I thought I would take a moment to further define asexuality, talk about the struggles that aces have faced in being well-represented and accepted, and look toward the hopeful future of the ace community.
First of all, it’s essential to define further what it means to be asexual and dive into the vast spectrum of asexuality. Let’s start by defining two key things: sexual attraction and romantic attraction. According to GLAAD ambassador Syd Stephenson, “sexual attraction comes from a sexual desire for something or someone, while romantic attraction is the want to have a romantic relationship with someone outside of sex.” While asexuals experience little to no sexual attraction, those who do are known within the asexual community as allosexual. This basically encompasses every other sexual orientation; that is to say, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, etc., would all fall under the general umbrella of allosexual. Furthermore, LGBTQ therapist Jor-El Caraballo clarifies that sexuality is one orientation and romantic orientation is another, with the two often overlapping and diverging in different ways. And just as there are people who experience little to no sexual attraction to anyone, there are also those who experience little to no romantic attraction to anyone. These people are called “aromantics,” sometimes shortened as “aros.” This is why you might hear about something called the “aroace spectrum,” which includes various forms of both asexuality and aromanticism. Aromantics can also be asexual and be neither sexually nor romantically attracted to anyone, or they can be bisexual, pansexual, etc., and be sexually attracted to people but just not want any romantic attachment. Put together, this distinction between sexual and romantic orientation has come to be called the “Split-Attraction Model,” or SAM for short. It has been used to help people within the aroace spectrum figure out the full extent of their identity.
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This brings up another important aspect of asexuality: aversion or acceptance. Within the asexual community, there are people who are sex-averse (or sex-repulsed) and may even get sick just hearing or reading about sex. They don’t necessarily think sex in itself is wrong, they just feel grossed out by it. Others are sex-neutral (or sex-indifferent), who can take it or leave it and feel neither apathetic nor enthused about sex. Finally, there are sex-positive (or sex-favorable) aces who are open to sex and may even actively partake in it. Remember, asexuality has to do with sexual attraction. So while a sex-positive asexual may not be sexually attracted to anyone, that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex or never have it. They may seek out sex for various reasons, such as simply enjoying the feeling of it or building that act into a romantic relationship.
Now that we have these critical foundational elements in place, we can delve into a few of the more specific branches of the aroace tree. Firstly, there are gray aces and gray aros. Grays are called that because they themselves fall in the gray area of the spectrum: sometimes they feel attraction, but often they don’t. This could also include enjoying sex but only under very specific circumstances, such as for bonding or physical stimulation or to have kids. This is similar to demisexuals and demiromantics. In order to better understand demis, it’s important to know the difference between primary attraction and secondary attraction. GLAAD Campus Ambassador Morgan Pasquier does a great job of defining the two: “Primary attraction is attraction to people based on first impressions, such as appearance or how they smell. Secondary attraction is attraction to people that develops over time, and forms out of the relationship one has with a person, and their emotional connection.” The key thing about demis is that they ONLY feel secondary attraction, not primary attraction. Demis need that time and close connection with someone before they feel any kind of attraction. Somewhat conversely, akoisexuals and akoiromantics (also referred to as “lithsexuals and lithoromantics”) experience initial sexual or romantic attraction, but it fades once it’s reciprocated. While there are many more subsets within the aroace community, these are the most notable.
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As you can see, asexuality is a broad spectrum that covers a wide plethora of people. Unfortunately, oftentimes these orientations are seen as fake or attention-seeking. Identifying as asexual often comes with a barrage of hurtful questions or comments: “How would you know you don’t want sex if you’ve never tried it?” “Is it because of your religion?” “Did someone hurt/abuse/molest you?” “You just haven’t found the right person yet.” “This is just a phase.” “You just have a low libido/sex drive/testosterone.” “You don’t know what you’re missing!” “You’re appropriating the struggles of REAL queer people.” The list goes on and on. For many, the moment of finally figuring out a name for their orientation (a moment that can be relieving or revelatory) can come with jeering, condescension, or even pity. This has led many aces to feel that they are broken or invalid. In an overly sexualized society, it’s understandable that many within the aroace community would feel like they don’t belong or don’t fit. And while LGBTQIA+ representation is at an all-time high, gaining acceptance and understanding, aroaces are still hard to find, especially portrayed in a positive and respectful light instead of as an abomination or outcast. Many characters have been hinted to be or directly labeled as asexuals by people behind shows, but that identity has never been stated on the shows themselves (Spongebob, Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, or Peridot from Steven Universe are notable examples). Currently, the best representations of asexuality can be counted on one hand: Todd Chavez from the animated show Bojack Horseman, Jughead from the Archie comics (though, sadly, not in the live-action Riverdale series), Raphael Santiago from Shadowhunters, Drea from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay, and Florence from Sex Education. That accounts for .05% of representation on television, and these characters have only been seen since 2017. All of these things combined make it difficult for asexuals to find a safe space to feel truly welcome, accepted, and not alone.
Fortunately, there is hope for the aroace community. For starters, since 2010, there has been an international Ace Week (held during the last full week of October, starting on Sunday) that has strived to inform and educate the masses on what asexuality is. Additionally, as recently as this year, International Asexuality Day (IAD) (April 6th) was launched with the goals of promoting advocacy, celebrating asexuality and the aroace spectrum, educating people about aroaces, and building solidarity. These events have been critical in reminding aces that they are definitely not alone and have support and resources available to them. The internet is also full of fantastic resources and communities for aroace people. I found great comfort and support on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, AVEN for short (the founder of AVEN, David Jay, actually helped to create the Ace Awareness Week mentioned earlier!). It’s the first place I found when I started to research whether or not I was asexual, and it provided me with so much helpful information as well as a community of people I could talk to, ask questions to, and connect with. I’ve also been lucky enough to find some fantastic support groups on Facebook. Dating for aroaces can be incredibly challenging since traditional dating apps tend to focus on hooking up and more sexualized pictures and profiles, so I was overjoyed to find a Facebook group that was specifically for Asexual Singles. I posted up a brief introduction of myself, and to my pleasant surprise, I found someone I connected with and am now dating! These groups have provided Zoom chats and are now planning on hosting in-person meet-ups to further establish a sense of community. People post in these groups constantly, seeking advice on how to deal with the types of questions or comments I mentioned earlier, or asking questions about the various branches of the aroace tree we previously discussed, and everyone has been consistently kind, compassionate, and understanding.
Coming out and coming to terms with your sexuality are never easy. It’s even harder to do that when your sexuality is often joked about or not taken seriously. However, thanks to growing awareness, support, and representation, I have hope that more people will be confident enough to accept and proclaim their asexuality and to know they are not as alone as they think they are. And if you’re reading this and coming to the realization that you too may fall within the aroace spectrum, just know you have a fellow ace here that is rooting for you and has your back.
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